What a Day

Aiyo it really marvels me at how fast things change. I was thinking about how bored i will be at work yesterday morning, was dreading at how slow the day will be, but suddenly with just one phone call made, i had to wheeze out of the office to meet clients and to rush to another place to collect documents and yet rush to a third place to attend to another restaurant feedback cum complaint.All the while fighting with the time, there is simply no time to sit down to have a break. Lunch was quickly settled with a few mouthful of rice and i had to rush off with a phonecall from my colleagues.
Worse thing to happen is to have ur phone low batt on a day like this, i had to rush home to charge my phone for 5-7 mins so as to contact Jolene and to remain contactable by R. I miss R the whole day, no time to call/msg him, have time also cannot call/msg him coz phone low batt.Was looking forward to seeing him coz he say he not be at home but will be near my poly playing bb.
Stupid phone, it can gives u real convenience and yet left u in great despair when u need it the most. After a nice popiah dinner with Jolene, happily was i skipping to look for my beloved to surprise him. Stupid phone, stupid rain, stupid me. Not knowing of Change of venue of bb session resulted in me left stranded in rain with nowhere to go and low batt phone leave me in a worse state of lost & desperation. Thank God for friends, Jolene was like my light in the dark. Thanks Jo.
With her phone i was saved. Eventually after 30 calls R was contacted. R was unhappy that i came, my coming has resulted in him not being able to enjoy supper with the guys. its so hard to create a balance. So hard.I tried my best but I see the cycle coming back, i see deja vu.
'Because i spent time with you, i have no time for sports & my friends & my family' 6 years ago this sentence nearly took my life away, now....haha maybe its me.Maybe the correct way of handling a relationship is to simply dun spent time.
A perfect gf is when she contacts u at a time 'when im free & my friends & family members r not free than i think i miss u baby so here i am' sort of thing.Its a thing i am still learning and have no idea if i will master it one day. Guys out there may deny it, but frankly speaking no guy will say they dun prefer such 'understanding gf' (All gals say 'Aye')
I may sound bitter but if u were me u will be too.

White White Christmas

Love this year Xmas, im so glad Jean can make it, im so glad of being able to be there when she needs a listening ear. My new year revolution which im gonna try my best to fulfil. 'To think more for others and to lend a listening ear to all' Simply love the Samsung D900(i can take many many pics and videos of R!!) & the Pooh Bear that R got for me. The Pooh Bear is so cute!! Round round face, big big tummy Cute Cute face, its a replica of ME!! Hahaha. Xmas eve party went on well too, food was good. I simply love the choc fondue and the colourful fruits not forgettin the melted marshmellows..wow...im drooling again....R's 'famous' chicken curry was well received with many praise that make his head swell like a big wtermelon. Haha but im glad his curry was well appreciated by all. Im so proud of him : )

My mum was so sweet, gave me a lovely pendent. And i got a pretty in pink ladies bag for the gift exchange. Love the pink bag coz it reflects what my friends think of mi, sweet & feminine. Maybe they r not thinkin dat way, but who cares coz i love deceiving myself this way. Hiak hiakhiak...I give thanks to my da ge ge Norman as well for the set of clothes that he has blessed me & R. R look so charming and sexy in the tops that Norman pass to him that i felt like grabbing him and run off to hide him away.Norman has such explicit taste in fashion, and the midas touch. I never really take notice that i would look well in dresses and soft tone clothes. Now that he mentioned, my shoulders & collar bones do look beautifyl hahaha bu yao lian...My 2nd new year revolution. To stop buying black colour top & bottoms and go for colours. Haha R seems to agree on that too.

Spent the whole morning & afternoon with R on Christmas Day, skipping breakfast & lunch. My tummy became so flat that i juz wish it can remain that way forever. Although we spent almost 3 days together but i still can't bear to pull myself home...i miss my parents but still being with him feels so good. Can't wait to grow up.

Away for a long time

Whew...its been a long while since i start typing. Nt that im busy but sometimes u juz feel lazy and the rain is making my muscles so.....Hee.. i would definately like to give myself a pat on the shoulders coz i have been making the effort to contact a couple of friends, trying to go out with them. It may seems normal to someone else but to me its a big step forward.

Me extrovert on the outside, introvert inside. I dun really have the habit of asking friends out or even go out with friends, everything is kinda depends on my mood at the particular day and particular time. I have began to realise that it is quite unhealthy to give priorities to ur bf all the time. So im gonna start lookin for all the friends that i have once said to them' will call u' 'ask u out one day' 'lets go out 1 day' etc..but never really fulfil. My new year resolution, to spare a thought for others in all things i do and to enjoy time with my friends.

Many people are getting married, its like every other month i will bound to receive a 'red bomb' Its great attending people's wedding, u see their face glowing with pride and joy, every bride became a princess that night. But when u attend too much wedding, u start to wonder...why do all weddings looks the same? The Holy matrimony, walk down aisle, combine candlelight, say the long long verse of through sickness & in health thingy, yam seng that is getting more and more boring unless its well prepared with lotsa spontaneous brothers & sisters, rushing to take photos at every table....maybe its just my luck, but of the many weddings i attend, gone are the days u see friends sabotaging the groom, newly-wed saying touching thank you verse. Friends grabbin mike to make a fool of themselves...It makes mi think....what does it takes to be a wedding planner??

Life has been good, through all the ups & downs with me & R, we have gotten closer and closer each other heart. But at the same time i seem to have drawn further & further away from someone else...New Year Resolution 2, to draw closer to him.

Memories

Well well well its time for some nonsensical blogging again, dun have any idea why i blog also, but it does feel good to record some of your deep thoughts somewhere, its safer than a diary and its easier cause typing is far less tiring than writing.

So many things have happen in my love life since the day i was born, regret some actions ive done, but still no matter what, everything will always remain in my heart as a nice memory for mi to reminiscene when im old.

Really feel sorry for that one person who holds me dearly, im sorry for not reciprocating your love, im not a heartless person and he knows it. But its just that when many things happen together at the same time, u will know it when its time to let go and i did.

Feel not contented sometimes, dunno y, maybe im jus too greedy. Everyone is having a beautiful relationship, creating their own fairytale, carving their happily ever after piece by piece but my past still haunts me . Every single relationship has been place on a bench mark, no one has manage to overtake the benchmark. Hahaha so sad. R had overtake this benchmark initially but he slide back after our 'honeymoon period' but he is still a great guy. Muz be i watch too many drama serials le, i shld stop watching. But sometimes i still envy, envy couples everywhere. Their boyfriend hold their hands tightly when they walk, look at them adoringly all the time, hold them by the waist while waiting for train, give a kiss when they are talking

My baby, my R is so tall, so charming, so fun to be with, sociable and friendly, mixed well with all my friends but its a pity i seem to be the opposite when im standing beside him. It may sounds negative but its a truth that ive come to accept. Beside him, im tremendoulsy short, not as good-looking as the previous gals in his life, talk too much, not humourous, sociable..i doubt..i have not much chance to mingle with his friends so im unsure myself. Can i ever have a relationship with him whereby he will feel proud to show me to all his friends, where i will be the one next to him when he attend weddings. I maybe thinking too much but its making me crazy.

Look foward to mid Dec, where his exams end.

Saturday

Went for to watch R play at his weekly bb match. Hmm...though i dun play that sport at all(i dun even play any form of ball games) im starting to enjoy watching it every week. Every single week is different, the intensity tends to not be so strong at certain match but i love it when the scores are close and everyone is in full-power to either defend or attack. Im really glad and proud of myself for not being the type of gal that dun allow their guy to go for sports games. But i admit, if he were to not bring me along to watch, i would definately throw a big tantrum.

I love saturdays. Cause Saturday always seems to be a magical day whereby all disputes and misunderstandings are dissolved. I look forward to December, where i can enjoy a blissful month with him.

Saturday Fever

A pretty wet weather these days, its raining so often. Muz be the monsoon season coming. But im starting to like Saturdays not because i get to enjoy my off day but because for the past 2 Saturday i have been receiving compliments from R. : )

Last Saturday R told me that he could't recognise me when i was among the crowd walking towards him, he just notice that i was not bad looking, but only realise its me when i walk over to him. Gee...its makes me shy....

And this Saturday, while having dinner R told me that when i reach his bb court,for a split second he find my appearance really really cute. Gosh...i can feel my blood gushing in my veins when he said that, he rarely give compliments so i was really really feeling flattered. I can say it kinda makes mi wanna make even more effort in dolling myself up the next time i see him. Well but sad to say, i dun think its very much possible, as it takes lotsa time and money to look good. Well this biase mindset of mine has to be change but its gonna take awhile.

Enjoy the short period of time with him today, although its just a few hours but i can start to see things in a broader view now. I finally grasp the picture back again of how important it is to give your guy a smile whenever he is feeling tired or frustrated instead of channeling all his cold reaction as a personal attack.

Made the impulse decision of meeting with Thomas today. When to meet him and his friends at The Chevron. Not exactly an impressive place, it resembles very much of a country club....hmm...i wonder do they take in trainees.? Met Thomas colleagues and ...!!God Sister!!~~ It shocked me initially coz i have always thought that gone were the days whereby we address our senior the title of God Sis & God Bro. It reflects to me of how close-knitted he is with his colleagues but at the same time it tells me a little of the happy environment he is in. But dunno y, in my heart i still finds it...though it sounds a bit rude...but it seems a bit bit weird to me. Not that im against having God-siblings but at the age of 27 yrs old, i wld feel that its funny to be calling another lady ~Jie~Jie~ all the time. To have the person as your God Sis, fine. But to actualy call the person by the title and not by her name is just too...unmanly??

Overall i enjoy the karaoke session but i wld enjoy it even more if the girls actually stay in the room and not disappear every once in a while one by one. Time really past by fast....the last time i see thomas i was just 14 years old, and its all thank to him that i get to enjoy my NDP 1998 or izzit 1999? WhateVEr~~Both of us didn't really change that much in terms of appearance, but i just wonder how each of us will become in the next decade to come...

I see sunshine coming

Felt so good to be in his arms, to look into his eyes, to touch his face. To have him kiss me gently on my head even if just once, to just lie on his strong chest and i know all the efforts spent in rushing down is worth it. Things between us still seem a bit awkward but i know we are both trying. Relationship are meant to be built brick by brick, and thats what we are gonna do once more. With all the cracks that appear from the difficult times, with our love we will fill in the hole together.

Soon, i will see the sunshine smile on my baby's face, nothing beats seeing him well and smiling. My strength and my joy comes from my Lord and my precious.

I thank my friends for being there for me when im down, i have think it thru and solve the problem le. please dun worry for me. A word for him, dun follow my footsteps in waiting for a relationship that will not come back. Im not worth waiting, thanking for the wonderful memories you have given me but I have found happiness that i want at present moment, thanks for praying for me, glad to know u have get to known the Lord. May you find your new joy & happiness & peace in the Lord.

Cloudy day with a bit of Sun

Was feeling terrible during morning today, tears will just well up all of a sudden, but after service felt better. After talking to Jane and the rest, i felt even better le. Initially had though R was ignoring my sms, but juz now he explain that the reception at his workplace was really bad so i felt much better le. R had 3 ulcers that was causing him pain for the past few days, but that silly chap hide it from me, no wonder he didn't talk much when he was with me. He forgive me for yesterday incident le, yeah!!! But felt a bit sad already, dunno how im gonna survive next week. He won't be meeting me at all this week except for Sunday service cause he is studying for his exams. Well..i have given him my word that i shldn't distract him and shld encourage him to spend more time on his studies. So now its time for me to grow up and think more for him instead of for myself. I knew if im 'guai guai' don't disturb him dun add on his stress, he will love me more. Jia you!

Stupid me

Had a good start today but i somehow ruin the day myself. I can be so stupid sometimes. Was delighted juz now when R said i look pretty today and that he couldn't recognize me when i was walking among the crowd towards, he was in fact checking me out a bit. hahaha for his sake i muz really dress up more. But i ruin the whole outing at the end, done something wrong again, felt so angry at myself. Why am i so sensitive? I had slapped myself several times already but still feel its not enough to punish myself. Maybe i am just too sensitive a person, but it really doesn't feel good when he ignore me during his basketball session, not a good feeling, when he walk off juz lidat without asking me to follow him out of the court, i shouldn't have told him i felt like his maid. Wrong move! He don't meant to make me feel like a maid, its my fault actually cause everytime he after basketball he is lidat but i muz be so sensitive today and say such stupid remarks to him. I made him so angry at me for thinking this way after that he didn't even talk to me. He say he dunno what i want him to say le. Bhish!!I shouldn't have insisted on catching a movie when he is do obvious not in the mood, also dunno y but i juz want things my way at that point. Feel like slapping myself hard. When i see his face so frustrated i knew i was wrong but too late leh coz he is upset already. After movie felt guilty for having to cause him to take cab home, why am i so not understanding, can't stand myself for being such a spoilt brat. Fell a bit lonely when he didn't send me to my door-step, although i knew its really inconvenient to ask cab driver to wait for him but i juz felt that its so late already and the fact that he didn't even call me to ensure i rch home safely really hurts me so. Maybe im too sensitive.

I muz keep my promise and not be a crybaby, my previous ex leave because he couldn't stand seeing me cry, i really really dun wan history to repeat, i muz change i muz not be so sensitive le.

Truth Hurts

What should you do when retribution starts happening in your life? Hahaha...muz be i hurt too many people in the past so now its all coming back....hahaha...God, why did you let me knew so much, must you reveal so much to me? Truth hurts realli.

Feel realli realli alone sometimes, but its of no one's fault. Who tell me to be such a social and yet anti-social person. I dislike being the one to arrange for outings, for fear that no one will turn up. I will always be the one waiting for my friends to call me up for shopping, ktv etc etc..but when they call i usually turn them down unless my boyfriend is nt free and i don't feel like being alone at home. Dun understand myself sometimes, why i let my life be tie to all the ones i love in the past. But its hard to stop this habit, its easy to critize others for spending too much time with their partners instead of with friends, but when things happen to yourself, its kinda a different story. You long to see s face that looks forward to seeing you, but fairy tale usually dun last, thats wat pastor say. No wonder it 'shi xian liao'

Haha a friend recently told me, i not quite seem the same anymore. My level of self-confidence and energy, my positive aspect of looking at everything in my life seems to be diminishing. Im so call a more negative person nowadays. R notice that too. I muz quickly find back my confidence or i will be risking losing this man that i love. Coz R likes people that knows how to balance their lifestyle between relationship and friends. He is starting to find it unhealthy that we are spending far too much time together, we are practically meeting up everyday. I muz try to change that, its gonna be hard but i muz try.

Communication

Another weekend gone, a brand new week lies ahead again. People everywhere are rushing to work, preparing to face another week of intense work again, a life cycle. Not that im complaining, but i dun understand myself sometimes, and i dislike to be a whiner. But i really look forward to that day i can be just like my sister, working in a job that she knows is God's purpose for her life. Feel happy for her whenever i see her eyes lite up whenever she talks about her students, although she does not spend much time at home because of it but gradually i dun blame her anymore. What right do i have to blame her, it would be like the pot calling the kettle black. Im mostly not at home nowadays, knowing deep down it will be getting pretty unhealthy but i can't really stop myself can i : )

Words are really what u call, a double-edge sword, it can protect you make u feel secure and on the other hand hurt you really deep.

I thank my sister for her guidance and for her prayers, her words etched deep in my heart 'many people have been praying for you' 'do u really think no one cares for you', 'God has given you tremendous grace' all her words touched my heart and i knew how special God has been to me. To meet all the right people, to have so many people out there trying to protect me.I feel sad sometimes, really guilty. I knew that people are praying for me, but i really don't know how to react to them.

Communication is the greatest key to life. Haha but sometimes it is really easier said than done. Robert always told me ' You are the one that teach me to communicate, to open up' But can everyone really take in open commuincation? I knew that my communication has failed greatly in my household. Living in the same household, going home everyday but yet i knew nothing of what is happening to my sister and my parents. My sister's freinds probably knew her better than i did, and i knew she felt the same way too. An irony sometimes, both of us teaching others to communicate and yet failed greatly in our own household.

His past~~

Have been feeling low again towards my relationship for the past few days, do i really seem happy to people out there? i must have been a great actress than, cause no one in my situation can really be feeling happy. Its insecure i guess, i should have known. The more u love someone the more possessive you will become, i knew that i am slowing paving towards that route again but i can't stop myself. I can't stop myself from getting jealous or perhaps irritated when i see the his room tenant, the China young gal wearing her innocent strappy sleepwear, watching TV, always preparing food for them. But my anger and jealousy has since subsided with the sweet words from him. Im angry at myself for getting work out for no reason sometimes, i must really learnt to control my temper or its gonna let me end up in hot soup someday.

Being open, he let out to me on his feeling towards her, of how he has been confessing towards his ex, that i am part of the reason towards their irreconcilable relationship, of his phobia , and how unfair it is to me. At that point, I dun care and i dun mind as long as i knew that he is mine and that his feelings are true. 'Their papers are not signed yet, the possibility of them going back' these words will keep ringing in my ears. But i have already learnt to live with all these voices. That God for letting her find her own happiness, it finally wake him up, lift up the guilty feling in his heart, and i knew that as time goes by, he will be a brand new person again and put all the past behind him as we embrace our future. Of Mr Baby Lee and Mrs Love Lee.

Whew...finali back from the Philippines business trip. The trip really opens up my eyes, i started to appreciate once again the beautiful green pasture of my homeland, the modern architect and even the traffic roads.
Looking at my surroundings, it was simply...grey. The buildings were old, its full of dust everywhere, there are many roadside stalls and thin, frail young ma selling small items like cigarettes along the road. I see 20-30 over people queing up at the back door of hotels early in the morning, all of them with eager look, hoping to get a job in this country that shares high unemployment rate. I see small small pkts of shampoo and rice and many other basic necessities sold nt in bulk but always in small quantity in the supermarkets, as the locals would never be able to afford to buy them in normal size.

My flight there was really bad, flight was delayed thrice, had to wait for 3 and 1/2 hours, luggage was placed in another aircraft and the staff had the cheek to inform us only after all of us from the delayed flight had already waited for 45 mins at the conveyor belt. Luckily Rachael and i had arranged for a transfer flight while waiting as our original flight was cancelled eventually.

At 6.pm Manila time, the sky was already dark, for a moment i thought it was already 8 pm. Traffic was a mess, cars and jeepneys(small bus) were everywhere. They dun really follow any road lanes, so its literally everywhere. Only managed to reach the quiet hotel room at 7.30pm.

Interviewing the trainees was a real challenge man, some were reali quiet and i felt like smacking them for wasting my time, and some were really dramatic in their articulation. Over the 3 days, i think i must have chalk up a minimum of $30 overseas call, its impossible to stop me from calling my bf especially with since i was forced to applied for auto-roaming by my parents.

Luckily there isn't time to do shopping, so my wallet is safe from personal attack. Being back safely in Singapore after 3 days, suddenly feels deeply that home is always the best.

Felt so bored of my life nowadays. Nothin much to look forward, sometimes i realli question myself, was i asking for too much. No matter how much i detest my manager and my customers, i still have to go on smiling every day, pretending that things are alright. I feel like quiting every now and them but my principles will always hold me back. It is simply against my principles to give up on something so easily. I read the news, watch TV, and even read the magazines. All around me, people are talking about stress management, dealing with pressure. In lifts and in mRT, i hear people complaining about their jobs and family. It kinda of make me realise thats the way life goes, not much people will have a job that they like and they want, we just have to bear with the nity grity and move on.

I envy the people in the train and every where, they have someone to speak to, to let out their emotions when they feel pressurized at work but being the youngest in the office, there is simply no one i can speak to, no one genuinely on my side. I miss my days in Amore, miss Ros, miss Jasmine and the many other colleagues. I used to be able to talk to them everyday, talk about my family, my church and 'updates' of my relationship problems, they would always have a listening ear, and my ear will always be open for them as well. We would joke about things that happen in our life andmany other things.

But things changed. The people in Amore are there no more. It just feels not the same when talking to your boyfriend, they understanding is limited as they are not as sensitive to ur emotions. I hated myself today for being so easily upset, i thank God for letting me attend cellgroup last week, it opens up some areas and allows me to understand myself more towards relationship.
My love language
1) Physical Touch
2) Quality Time
3)Words of affirmation
4) Acts of service
5) Gift giving.
I feel so empty today, reali miss the times whereby i would be received with an open arm and hugged tightly when i stepped into his place. now I can't even tell him how much these things matter to me as he would feel that i am always comparing past to present. i know how busy it is with the studies but all i want is just someone to hold and to comfort me, make me feel welcomed when i return home from a day's work full of resentment and anger. Maybe im just too greedy, a listening ear is not enough

Hai...another day past...my manager wasn't in a very good mood today either. Can't stand her nagging sometimes..Aiyo now headache....my trainee actually run to the embassy liao.......haiz its ok, conscience clear, im glad actually, now im waiting to see what will happen to the irresponsible establishment that bully my trainee.

Hee for the sake of my stomach, i walk all the way (400m i think) to tampines mall to buy the Durian mooncake, yum yum...hee very happy cause i managed to find a good buy ($32 for 9 pieces in a box) It taste heavenly~~~~but resulted in me having to mouth rinse a couple of times to get rid of the smell~~ can't wait for tml. Will be going Chinese Garden with my cell group to see moon, see lake, carry lantern and enjoy the night breeze...A pity Robert can't join...aiyo...but nvm...since tml will be consider a recee of the place. Than next week i can drag him go with me again to see moon see lake. : )

Lunchy Lunchy

27/09/2006
Felt so tired, nearly wanted to report mC but well im a responsible kid. After much persuasion, finali managed to pull Robert to meet mi for lunch. AHh..it was raining at lunch time, but thank God for protection coz the rain only starts after Robert reach IP.

Ate at Earth Kitchen, the food was good, service was fast but they kinda of have a tendency to make the food look very different to what was seen in their menu picture. But the taste was good, Robert's spicy sour noodles look like lor mee but it does taste spicy sour. But they send us our drinks only when we are nearly done with our food : (

Went to GNC after lunch to browse for Gingko Biloba, the sales assistant was very friendly...to friendly i think, she talk non-stop, leaving me and Robert with no time to even discuss among ourselves. I had to eventually stop her from speaking further...well i understand she is doing her job but....oh well forget it...It was still a great day although work was a drag in the office.

Relationship

Its so weird sometimes, love is so beautiful and yet so confusing, navigating around friendster, i saw so many up and down in relationships among people. Thank God for pictures, as the expression on them paint a thousand words i pray that all men shall find the one they love and have a happy ending. Relationships shouldn't be stagnant at 'its complicated' Seeing the happy look on his face, i pray that JY will receive the same love that he received from me from his 'the one' now. Me? Im right in the beginining of beautiful fairy tale myself.

Hee...with good time management i have managed to eat snake sometimes, well thats the only thing that i like about my job, it can be so flexible sometimes...End up spoiling the surprise that 'Carrot' has set for me, hee...the surprise look he has when he saw me at his doorstep. Thanks baby for the sweet rose and card, although u dun have the time to wrap it up but it stil warms my heart. JUst love the embarrased look on ur face when ur surprise was spoilt. But at the same time thank God for all the wonderful arrangements, it seems that we are destined in every path we take. I dunno how long my fairy tale is gonna last, not sure whether am i the one for my carrot. But i know for one thing, relationship between 2 persons requires the effort of both party to maintain, and i know we will walk through all things together, i dun care what people will think of me, all i know is that ur happiness and mine is the top priority right now.

It's a GIRL~~~~

Hee when to East Shore hospital to visit my colleagues whom has juz given birth to a baby gal. It was so cute, with lotsa of soft tuft of hair, the eyes so tightly close, all wrapped up in the hospital green coton cloth. It was sleeping so soundly despite the room being so noisy with all of us from the office talking and asking qns about the her labor experience. Its just so wonderful..a new life that God has put into this world, ready to face the challenges that lies ahead of her in the future. In the next 10 years, probably i will have a baby of my own as well...its juz so incredible.

Pictures

Hmmm....feel a bit weak this morning..my throat is getting dry and sore BUT its still KoKoKruNcH tiMe!! Hee...juz can't keep my hands off them early in the morning. With a mixture of cornflakes and milk Ahaaa... Heavenly!! Sianz..have to pick up a China agent from Chai Chee to the office, luckily it doesn't cut into my morning preparation time or i wld have die die also will deny this assignment. Choke up a total of $25 on taxi fares, hahah Rachael face was so black when she heard this amount. But well the good thing was that the agent was a girl that is around my age, well at least its easier to communicate to her. My throat is KillInG mE!!

A picture speaks a thousand words, thats what i believe, but in this world God seems to like putting irony in small parts of my life sometimes...i see couples who carry photographs of their loves ones everywhere with them, u see it in their wallet..u see it in their handphone..u see them put it on their blog..friendster..msn..and most of all of course..their bedroom. Me, im juz like any other simple girl in this world who loves to see my own image being treasured, being desired for..but its sad to know that circumstances doesn't allow this. Our images together are always to be hidden from his friends...It eats into my heart sometimes..juz sometimes..to know that he is still running away, still waiting for the 'perfect' timing..felt like telling him..time dun look for us, its how we grab hold of them..it tugs and pull at my heart to know that he expects me to be understanding forever but yet he forgets about how tender women's heart can be. Jokes are usually not repeated coz they wun see funny anymore after you have said it for a few times, but does he knew that. Memories do haunt me once in a while, it brings me back to memory lane whereby a young lad whom i was once head over heels in love with turn around and 'joke' with me that 'No i dun miss you, No i dun love you'But when the jokes turn into reality one day, it will reali hurt. Some jokes are meant to be said only once. Doesn't everyone agree?

My weekend

Watch a fantastic match between Man U and Fulham, the latter being one of the weakest i have seen for the past few matches. Man U was marvellous, having a goal every few minutes, it keeps me and him glued to the TV for the first half.

If only there is way to reduce the travelling time between the both of us, i can see the strain in him in having to ferry me to and fro each time.

Dr Bernard sermon was wonderful, makes people stopped and think and reflect, hmm..correct information will lead to good mindset and blah blah blah..well i guess John was really inspired by the talk therefore prompting him into giving us a serious talk after service regarding wach and everyone's lateness to church, i guess he is trying to provide us the correct info now.Recently all these talks by John realli sets me thinking about whether our cell group is realli as close as it seems on the outside. But of course we are of one body and it will requires every one's effort to make the cell more close-knitted.

Wonderful, Glorious Day

Wah...i got a my fourth cake on my bday!! This year is the most number of cakes i ever had for my bday, hahaha.....im so blessed. hee...bought 2 superman top.ahaha marvelous,its was a steal, juz $25 for 2. Wanted to buy 1 for Robert, but their polo tee is super ex..$55.90, and the material is so-so only, super not worth it, so i never buy anything for him..i guess Robert juz have to be contended with his red underwear.

No candlelight dinner or romantic restaurant, we went to a TianTian steamboat rstnt in Bugis...though the place is overpriced i feel, but their service was excellent..Ahhh..i definately need to go East Coast for my run this week after all these cakes i had. Took the DHL balloon which was quite interesting, the air up was so breezy..so calm...a pity its just 150m above ground, next time i muz try the hot air Balloon in Australia, heard that theirs goes up much higher. Both of us felt so so sleepy after the good food and the balloon ride...time always seem to pass very very fast..if only 3 years can pass faster...hmm...3years...i guess i shld start saving too if i wanna be Mrs Lee....

My Birthday

15th August 2006
Wah!!! I had a super rush day, i was so eager to look for a birthday present for myself, i resort to escaping to Orchard Road after my appointment. After going to several shops i finally found the brand 'Coach' it may not be LV or Gucci but its one of the favourites by Japanese people. Bought a classic Coach wristlet with the support by my wonderful family, hee juz love my purchase, but of course nothin can be compared to the beautiful Fion bag given by my darling. I just knew that my darling is gonna appear at my doorstep at 12midnite, hee...im clever to sense the sound of cars ard him while he was on the phone with mi since 11pm. Although its not a surprise anymore, but i still love the cute strawberry cake he gave...hee..managed to force him to sing birthday song. So in total i had 3 cakes this year already...hahahaha my waist is thickening day after day...ahahahaha Look forward to meeting him tomolo

Happy Birthday

Happy BirthDay to me Happy Birthday to me, hahaha ate 2 cakes in one weekend, 1 mango and 1 rum cake i think. Thanks to the wonderful gift by my wonderful friends, im gonna smell lovely, look radiant with rosy cheeks and br sexy wearing my new top.

Life..Job..Life..Memories

Had a pretty boring day in office yesterday, nothin much to do, dun even have the mood to make much sales call. Arrggh!!Felt like changing job that instance, recently my mind has been churning again, do i wanna spend my youth doing these things everyday? Although i knew that my plan was to work in my current company for like 1 - 2 years to gain experience and build up a nicer portfolio, but on the other hand i feel that its a bit wasting of my time in this world. I knew i may not be capable at my age but y is it sooo..hard to find something that will requires more brain cellls, its kinda sickening when ppl tell u..'oh u can speak well, u shld join sales..u look quite good, sure will attact customers...all those stupid stuff. Its like i knew deep down i want something that requires me to be on the ball, to think up of ideas everyday(ya i know im not that creative)But doing sales kinda of make feel that my brain cells are slowing down their action, its like no difference to working as a retail assistant, perhaps juz that i get paid more.But rounding up everything i guess i knew where the problem lies in....ME.....

Juz met an old friend Thomas in Friendster juz now, oh well its been so long...5years?6Years? I was like 14-15 years old when i knew him, so i guess its been 7 years. 7 Years since i met Lionel the sex-deprived guy whom im glad to get rid of and AAHHH...JY aka Kenneth.... the guy who started the wonderful page of fairytale love in my life,haha...memories and past are such wonderful and interesting things, i thank God for the planning he has done in my life, making my life full of colours and story...im glad im not living somewhere in Sahara whereby my whole life is facing the Sand and Flies. 7Years ago God gave me the perfect guy to love and to hold, not knowing how to treasure it, i lose it to the world, 7years later God has not forgotten me and send me a hew lease of life, my My darling Robert. I can't wait to see what are the plans that God has set for mi in future..

National Day

Feel so sleepy... I had spent my whole national day sleeping more than half the time, quite shiok actually. I sleep from morning till lunch, manage to spent quality time with my sister having lunch together, just the 2 of us, with her asking qns abt Robert every now and then, i can feel my sis trying her own best to get to know him more, and me on the other hand is trying my best to ask her abt church and her health. I hope that as time goes by, i will be able to recontruct the closeness of our relationship, as i know she also needs us, her family to support her mentally when she spread her care and concern out to others.

Robert is so sweet, calling me at every opportunity that he have during work, we seem to have endless to chat about.I think the total talktime we had was like 3 hours or something. Poor thing for him, we could have talk for longer if not for the fact that everytime he called me, something will goes wrong and he will have to put down the phone. Well i guess i kinda keep his day busy, luckily the nights were peaceful. I so look forward to our 'overseas trip' to Malaysia...not yet told my old folks...but i guess it shouldn't be much of a problem since my mum seems to love him to bits....

I have practically no idea what i want for my birthday!!!And its coming soon....Perfumes are settled by Lide and gang already...I look forward to smelling 'lovely' that day..heee...But what shld i get the people to buy from my cell?? Poor Robert...his hair is turning white i think...hee..i guess its because i pressure him everyday to buy me something good. I pray that the BBQ on is going to turn out alright, its the first time i do such kinda of thing...wooo...exciting...

National Day Eve 08082006

Im been counting down to knocking off the whole day....luckily the day past quickly and smoothly...i muz say the assistant training manager at a certain hotel is really cute and humble and ...nice. Well i guess i appreciate his help alot, with nice pople like him ard it helps clinching this deal...I need to pray hard that nothing will happen to this account in future as the hotel spells big on my clientele list. Thank God both my appointment on this day is within vicinity of International Plaza, it does save a lot of time and cut down on a lot of hassle.

OH NOO...my darling is going to be on 24-hour shift on National Day!!! its our nations birthday what can i say....I guess i shall look forward to rot at home and wait for the flies to keep me company.

We had our dinner at Geylang pretty late, at about 9 plus all thanks to my dilly-dally. We had the famous Beef Kway Teow, which taste pretty good(oh maybe its because im hungry) and Seafood Ee-mee. Wanted to had our second helping at the Youtiao King but that place was so jam-packed...oh well anyway i dun reali fancy their soya beancurd as its unsweeten so it doesn't reali bother mi..But poor Robert, looking so sorrowful and hungry for more food...I can't help much reali with the situation, coz every single people in the restaurant seems to have just arrive for their supper...i guess its a good way for him to lose weight too(not that he needs it)

We walk past some boutique selling clothes that are very tight fitting and revealing which very much catered to the people 'working' in that area, i should have known better than to open my mouth. I simply ask him, if he would appreciate seeing me wearing those sexy stuff, his immediate and i mean immediate response was 'but you dun have the figure'! ArrGhh!!I shld really continue with my exercise regime and one day i will be able to fulfil my dream of soft velvet cushion,white-netted stockings, four poster bed and a white long feather.

Holiday mood

Yeah!!! This week gonna be a fantastic week! My manager is on leave for 1 week!!!!I can finally enjoy more peace.

Sunshine Day

So glad everything has been sorted out....my baby loves me even more now. i guess girls like me tends to get a teeny weeny bit insecure sometimes, my darling can be so forgiving so sensitive so emotional and yet be insensitive in certain areas...But one think i know, whoever says that tears ought to be a women's weapon should be prosecuted. Years of history has shown that tears are nothing but a form of emotional reaction. Tears bring nothing but fruastration and lost to the guys. Guys hate it when girls cry, but frankly speaking they hate it not because their heart aches but because they feel lost and useless and that in their mental image they link women crying to babies and we all know how fruastrating it can be when a baby cries non-stop.I learnt that recently that the best way it to do vice-versa stuff, we girls dun need to cry or weep when we feel low, if your guy is the cause of the crying than we should try to make them cry. Say touching things, things that hit straight to their heart, make them realise than they are wrong etc...but all this depends on individual. Its takes years of training to attain this level of provoking a guy to cry. I myself have not realy master it YET.

Come to think of it I didn't know how importance i was in his life and what an impact i have created until the brother tells mi how he thinks. I find it irony sometimes....it will seem so easy to get other people to open up, to communicate with you, its so comforting when someone is willing to trust you n pour out their views and feelings to you but not when it is towards your own family members. i figure out making the effort to bring his siblings closer is important as they will be part of my family one day.

Fear and Love

LOVE, what a beautiful yet confusing word. It has a life on its own, and would often comes with a beautiful story. Its seems that life=love and yet sometimes to me i feel that love=fear. It has been very long since this equation appears back into my life, a fear that i thought i would never have to experience.

I admit im feeling fearful nowadays, the ghost of past relationships do get to me sometimes, im fearful of losing this happiness i have right now. Every one goes thru a failed relationship at a certain phrase in life, and i believe everyone will agree with me that it is an experience that no one would want to face again.

I have met the perfect man in my life, a man who comprises of all that i want in a guy.A guy that i believe is a God-send, but of course im shld know that what God can send he can take away too. I can't imagine what wld become of me if this guy were to go away.Im fearful of losing his love, of losing this wonderful image that has been planted in my mind. Of our small 'bert' and small 'jess', of my velvet cushion and siamese cat. My heart weaken everytime i see him hurt, or shaken by the troubles he is facing. Although i can comfort him with a hug and a kiss but deep down i know that it is not enough. My heart jump whenever i recall what he said....'im tired' and the sentence that keeps ringing in my ears 'maybe im meant to be lonely' My fear heightens everytime i recall this sentence. I can never stop blaming myself for being such a not understanding, self-centered and selfish girlfriend.'Im no difference to her' although words do hurt human hearts like daggers, but Thank God for giving me a strong heart that can with-hold all. Its time to reflect, its time to stop being a spoilt brat.
(I have no idea what im writing, but oh well....its meant to be as confusing as my heart)

Love is.....

Well its been so long since im writing in my post its gonna be a long long blog so if u r in a hurry, im sorry ya....im finali ready to face the world...i have been hiding all this while... I always believe that God sent us to this world to love others and to be loved by others therefore i am always seeking..seeking the one to appear. As a woman, the things i seek for is no different from the millions of women out there, to have a guy who love and treasure you, who places you as the most important person in his heart, who is willing to go all out just to get a smile out of you.

To me, Love is a sickness, we seek through many realtionships hoping to find a cure, but what we get most of the time is actually just a tranquilizer, it soothes the sickness temporarily...after it dies away, we find ourselves asking again 'is he the one'

To be the place as the most important person next to God in a person's heart may seems demanding, domineering or even selfish to some, but try asking any young couples or even newly wed, they will reply you 'no problem, dats wat ive been doing' My point lies in that, i believe what we gals seek is actually a two way traffic kinda of relationship or you may even say a flowing river, many relationship after going through the months of friction and grinding, breaks through the waves and become a strong rock, steadfast love, gleaming under the warm sun, but that are many others that breaks into pieces and flows with the rest down the stream to continue searching.

Life takes on many turns before they finally find the correct path, many years ago i have found a light, a clear future, the cure, or so i thought. Seeing each other almost everyday, we live a life more happier than any king in the world. In my mind, the wonderful picture of a blissful future with him and 3 kids lies in my heart everyday. But what i have forgotten to place in the picture is the route to get there, neglecting his studies and feelings, the lack of communication, understanding, our love lacks the nourishment it needs and it dies away....the heart cracks and harden, i allow the lights in my life to start dimming, memories flood my thoughts and sorrow and tears cover all the laughter in my mind, every single minute, every time my eyelid closes, his image, his laughter, tanned skin, his 3 dimples. I had my share of break-up finally, and i finally understood the real meaning behind the word 'heartbroken'

As i continue in my walk of life, i start seeking for someone, just anyone who can fill in the void in my life, it may sound selfish but man are born selfish, as babies we cry for milk and attention, even as toddlers we constantly need hugs and encouragement for ourselves only. And thats the time he enters in my life.

He is not the person in the world, with neither looks nor out-going character, i was attracted, he reflects my inner self, his gloomy perceptive towards relationships tempted me, it challenges me to open this locked door. I started carving our relationship, it wasn't easy as it was a one-way relationship, we startd out having no love for each other, no chemistry, no attraction, its a walk in darkness. But for someone like mi, i treasure darkness more than the light, as it holds no hope, future, no hurt feelings, no heartbroken. Needless to say, We broke up in 2 months and through many twist and turn ended back together again. Some call it fate but i prefer to call it as God's plan.

Through the next 4 years, i put on the role of a guy, to fulfil his needs, to show care and concern to bring surprises on him now&then, to be a listening ear. Overtime, he became a my listening ear too, but efforts to bring him into my social circle never succeeded as he remains anti-social to the outside world. He made no attempts to bring me to his social world too as he felt that i wouldn't fit in, but what he doesn't knows is that u never know unless u try.

He used to always tell me 'u r so beautiful i feel that im not fit for you, as i look at him in the eye and told him 'u can be beautiful too if you try' but he will simply shrug and replied 'im not rich, dress up requires money' No efforts made, the need to dress up for his special girl was never there. Slowly relationship becomes complacent, stagnant, neither party notice that without constant nourishment, love will wither. to let him. Despite countless attempt to encourage him, to change him so that he can be someone whom i can see a future with, he chooses to remain stagnant. My heart starts seeking security, someone who is willing to walk the extra mile for you, to try his best to put a smile on you, a man with plans for his future, someone who is willing to walk with God with me. Efforts becomes too late as a heart that has died will never revive, it will only regrow in new spot where a new seed has been sown.