Memories

Well well well its time for some nonsensical blogging again, dun have any idea why i blog also, but it does feel good to record some of your deep thoughts somewhere, its safer than a diary and its easier cause typing is far less tiring than writing.

So many things have happen in my love life since the day i was born, regret some actions ive done, but still no matter what, everything will always remain in my heart as a nice memory for mi to reminiscene when im old.

Really feel sorry for that one person who holds me dearly, im sorry for not reciprocating your love, im not a heartless person and he knows it. But its just that when many things happen together at the same time, u will know it when its time to let go and i did.

Feel not contented sometimes, dunno y, maybe im jus too greedy. Everyone is having a beautiful relationship, creating their own fairytale, carving their happily ever after piece by piece but my past still haunts me . Every single relationship has been place on a bench mark, no one has manage to overtake the benchmark. Hahaha so sad. R had overtake this benchmark initially but he slide back after our 'honeymoon period' but he is still a great guy. Muz be i watch too many drama serials le, i shld stop watching. But sometimes i still envy, envy couples everywhere. Their boyfriend hold their hands tightly when they walk, look at them adoringly all the time, hold them by the waist while waiting for train, give a kiss when they are talking

My baby, my R is so tall, so charming, so fun to be with, sociable and friendly, mixed well with all my friends but its a pity i seem to be the opposite when im standing beside him. It may sounds negative but its a truth that ive come to accept. Beside him, im tremendoulsy short, not as good-looking as the previous gals in his life, talk too much, not humourous, sociable..i doubt..i have not much chance to mingle with his friends so im unsure myself. Can i ever have a relationship with him whereby he will feel proud to show me to all his friends, where i will be the one next to him when he attend weddings. I maybe thinking too much but its making me crazy.

Look foward to mid Dec, where his exams end.

Saturday

Went for to watch R play at his weekly bb match. Hmm...though i dun play that sport at all(i dun even play any form of ball games) im starting to enjoy watching it every week. Every single week is different, the intensity tends to not be so strong at certain match but i love it when the scores are close and everyone is in full-power to either defend or attack. Im really glad and proud of myself for not being the type of gal that dun allow their guy to go for sports games. But i admit, if he were to not bring me along to watch, i would definately throw a big tantrum.

I love saturdays. Cause Saturday always seems to be a magical day whereby all disputes and misunderstandings are dissolved. I look forward to December, where i can enjoy a blissful month with him.

Saturday Fever

A pretty wet weather these days, its raining so often. Muz be the monsoon season coming. But im starting to like Saturdays not because i get to enjoy my off day but because for the past 2 Saturday i have been receiving compliments from R. : )

Last Saturday R told me that he could't recognise me when i was among the crowd walking towards him, he just notice that i was not bad looking, but only realise its me when i walk over to him. Gee...its makes me shy....

And this Saturday, while having dinner R told me that when i reach his bb court,for a split second he find my appearance really really cute. Gosh...i can feel my blood gushing in my veins when he said that, he rarely give compliments so i was really really feeling flattered. I can say it kinda makes mi wanna make even more effort in dolling myself up the next time i see him. Well but sad to say, i dun think its very much possible, as it takes lotsa time and money to look good. Well this biase mindset of mine has to be change but its gonna take awhile.

Enjoy the short period of time with him today, although its just a few hours but i can start to see things in a broader view now. I finally grasp the picture back again of how important it is to give your guy a smile whenever he is feeling tired or frustrated instead of channeling all his cold reaction as a personal attack.

Made the impulse decision of meeting with Thomas today. When to meet him and his friends at The Chevron. Not exactly an impressive place, it resembles very much of a country club....hmm...i wonder do they take in trainees.? Met Thomas colleagues and ...!!God Sister!!~~ It shocked me initially coz i have always thought that gone were the days whereby we address our senior the title of God Sis & God Bro. It reflects to me of how close-knitted he is with his colleagues but at the same time it tells me a little of the happy environment he is in. But dunno y, in my heart i still finds it...though it sounds a bit rude...but it seems a bit bit weird to me. Not that im against having God-siblings but at the age of 27 yrs old, i wld feel that its funny to be calling another lady ~Jie~Jie~ all the time. To have the person as your God Sis, fine. But to actualy call the person by the title and not by her name is just too...unmanly??

Overall i enjoy the karaoke session but i wld enjoy it even more if the girls actually stay in the room and not disappear every once in a while one by one. Time really past by fast....the last time i see thomas i was just 14 years old, and its all thank to him that i get to enjoy my NDP 1998 or izzit 1999? WhateVEr~~Both of us didn't really change that much in terms of appearance, but i just wonder how each of us will become in the next decade to come...

I see sunshine coming

Felt so good to be in his arms, to look into his eyes, to touch his face. To have him kiss me gently on my head even if just once, to just lie on his strong chest and i know all the efforts spent in rushing down is worth it. Things between us still seem a bit awkward but i know we are both trying. Relationship are meant to be built brick by brick, and thats what we are gonna do once more. With all the cracks that appear from the difficult times, with our love we will fill in the hole together.

Soon, i will see the sunshine smile on my baby's face, nothing beats seeing him well and smiling. My strength and my joy comes from my Lord and my precious.

I thank my friends for being there for me when im down, i have think it thru and solve the problem le. please dun worry for me. A word for him, dun follow my footsteps in waiting for a relationship that will not come back. Im not worth waiting, thanking for the wonderful memories you have given me but I have found happiness that i want at present moment, thanks for praying for me, glad to know u have get to known the Lord. May you find your new joy & happiness & peace in the Lord.

Cloudy day with a bit of Sun

Was feeling terrible during morning today, tears will just well up all of a sudden, but after service felt better. After talking to Jane and the rest, i felt even better le. Initially had though R was ignoring my sms, but juz now he explain that the reception at his workplace was really bad so i felt much better le. R had 3 ulcers that was causing him pain for the past few days, but that silly chap hide it from me, no wonder he didn't talk much when he was with me. He forgive me for yesterday incident le, yeah!!! But felt a bit sad already, dunno how im gonna survive next week. He won't be meeting me at all this week except for Sunday service cause he is studying for his exams. Well..i have given him my word that i shldn't distract him and shld encourage him to spend more time on his studies. So now its time for me to grow up and think more for him instead of for myself. I knew if im 'guai guai' don't disturb him dun add on his stress, he will love me more. Jia you!

Stupid me

Had a good start today but i somehow ruin the day myself. I can be so stupid sometimes. Was delighted juz now when R said i look pretty today and that he couldn't recognize me when i was walking among the crowd towards, he was in fact checking me out a bit. hahaha for his sake i muz really dress up more. But i ruin the whole outing at the end, done something wrong again, felt so angry at myself. Why am i so sensitive? I had slapped myself several times already but still feel its not enough to punish myself. Maybe i am just too sensitive a person, but it really doesn't feel good when he ignore me during his basketball session, not a good feeling, when he walk off juz lidat without asking me to follow him out of the court, i shouldn't have told him i felt like his maid. Wrong move! He don't meant to make me feel like a maid, its my fault actually cause everytime he after basketball he is lidat but i muz be so sensitive today and say such stupid remarks to him. I made him so angry at me for thinking this way after that he didn't even talk to me. He say he dunno what i want him to say le. Bhish!!I shouldn't have insisted on catching a movie when he is do obvious not in the mood, also dunno y but i juz want things my way at that point. Feel like slapping myself hard. When i see his face so frustrated i knew i was wrong but too late leh coz he is upset already. After movie felt guilty for having to cause him to take cab home, why am i so not understanding, can't stand myself for being such a spoilt brat. Fell a bit lonely when he didn't send me to my door-step, although i knew its really inconvenient to ask cab driver to wait for him but i juz felt that its so late already and the fact that he didn't even call me to ensure i rch home safely really hurts me so. Maybe im too sensitive.

I muz keep my promise and not be a crybaby, my previous ex leave because he couldn't stand seeing me cry, i really really dun wan history to repeat, i muz change i muz not be so sensitive le.

Truth Hurts

What should you do when retribution starts happening in your life? Hahaha...muz be i hurt too many people in the past so now its all coming back....hahaha...God, why did you let me knew so much, must you reveal so much to me? Truth hurts realli.

Feel realli realli alone sometimes, but its of no one's fault. Who tell me to be such a social and yet anti-social person. I dislike being the one to arrange for outings, for fear that no one will turn up. I will always be the one waiting for my friends to call me up for shopping, ktv etc etc..but when they call i usually turn them down unless my boyfriend is nt free and i don't feel like being alone at home. Dun understand myself sometimes, why i let my life be tie to all the ones i love in the past. But its hard to stop this habit, its easy to critize others for spending too much time with their partners instead of with friends, but when things happen to yourself, its kinda a different story. You long to see s face that looks forward to seeing you, but fairy tale usually dun last, thats wat pastor say. No wonder it 'shi xian liao'

Haha a friend recently told me, i not quite seem the same anymore. My level of self-confidence and energy, my positive aspect of looking at everything in my life seems to be diminishing. Im so call a more negative person nowadays. R notice that too. I muz quickly find back my confidence or i will be risking losing this man that i love. Coz R likes people that knows how to balance their lifestyle between relationship and friends. He is starting to find it unhealthy that we are spending far too much time together, we are practically meeting up everyday. I muz try to change that, its gonna be hard but i muz try.