Well its been so long since im writing in my post its gonna be a long long blog so if u r in a hurry, im sorry ya....im finali ready to face the world...i have been hiding all this while... I always believe that God sent us to this world to love others and to be loved by others therefore i am always seeking..seeking the one to appear. As a woman, the things i seek for is no different from the millions of women out there, to have a guy who love and treasure you, who places you as the most important person in his heart, who is willing to go all out just to get a smile out of you.
To me, Love is a sickness, we seek through many realtionships hoping to find a cure, but what we get most of the time is actually just a tranquilizer, it soothes the sickness temporarily...after it dies away, we find ourselves asking again 'is he the one'
To be the place as the most important person next to God in a person's heart may seems demanding, domineering or even selfish to some, but try asking any young couples or even newly wed, they will reply you 'no problem, dats wat ive been doing' My point lies in that, i believe what we gals seek is actually a two way traffic kinda of relationship or you may even say a flowing river, many relationship after going through the months of friction and grinding, breaks through the waves and become a strong rock, steadfast love, gleaming under the warm sun, but that are many others that breaks into pieces and flows with the rest down the stream to continue searching.
Life takes on many turns before they finally find the correct path, many years ago i have found a light, a clear future, the cure, or so i thought. Seeing each other almost everyday, we live a life more happier than any king in the world. In my mind, the wonderful picture of a blissful future with him and 3 kids lies in my heart everyday. But what i have forgotten to place in the picture is the route to get there, neglecting his studies and feelings, the lack of communication, understanding, our love lacks the nourishment it needs and it dies away....the heart cracks and harden, i allow the lights in my life to start dimming, memories flood my thoughts and sorrow and tears cover all the laughter in my mind, every single minute, every time my eyelid closes, his image, his laughter, tanned skin, his 3 dimples. I had my share of break-up finally, and i finally understood the real meaning behind the word 'heartbroken'
As i continue in my walk of life, i start seeking for someone, just anyone who can fill in the void in my life, it may sound selfish but man are born selfish, as babies we cry for milk and attention, even as toddlers we constantly need hugs and encouragement for ourselves only. And thats the time he enters in my life.
He is not the person in the world, with neither looks nor out-going character, i was attracted, he reflects my inner self, his gloomy perceptive towards relationships tempted me, it challenges me to open this locked door. I started carving our relationship, it wasn't easy as it was a one-way relationship, we startd out having no love for each other, no chemistry, no attraction, its a walk in darkness. But for someone like mi, i treasure darkness more than the light, as it holds no hope, future, no hurt feelings, no heartbroken. Needless to say, We broke up in 2 months and through many twist and turn ended back together again. Some call it fate but i prefer to call it as God's plan.
Through the next 4 years, i put on the role of a guy, to fulfil his needs, to show care and concern to bring surprises on him now&then, to be a listening ear. Overtime, he became a my listening ear too, but efforts to bring him into my social circle never succeeded as he remains anti-social to the outside world. He made no attempts to bring me to his social world too as he felt that i wouldn't fit in, but what he doesn't knows is that u never know unless u try.
He used to always tell me 'u r so beautiful i feel that im not fit for you, as i look at him in the eye and told him 'u can be beautiful too if you try' but he will simply shrug and replied 'im not rich, dress up requires money' No efforts made, the need to dress up for his special girl was never there. Slowly relationship becomes complacent, stagnant, neither party notice that without constant nourishment, love will wither. to let him. Despite countless attempt to encourage him, to change him so that he can be someone whom i can see a future with, he chooses to remain stagnant. My heart starts seeking security, someone who is willing to walk the extra mile for you, to try his best to put a smile on you, a man with plans for his future, someone who is willing to walk with God with me. Efforts becomes too late as a heart that has died will never revive, it will only regrow in new spot where a new seed has been sown.
