No grapes in Freezer ever

I learnt one thing today. DO NOT PUT GOOD GRAPES INTO FREEZER!!!

Feeling nothin better to do, i place a whole box of fresh green grapes into the freezer, after a few hours, i happily savoured on the grapes which taste like grape popsicle now. When i reached home the day, my ingenious act resulted in my fresh green grapes turning dirty brown, it became soft and wrinkled, the inside flesh that were juicy and firm had turn into a liquid mash pulp. The frozen fruit inside had 'defrost' and the its state had turn from ice to liquid. ARGH!!!!!! My precious grapes became inedible....

Useless brain

Useless piece of junk

Time is ticking too fast....i have so little time and so much things to do, and yet i can complain to no one. Cause i don't like to complain.

Dissertation due end of the month, its suppose to be around 10,000 words, including questionaire, focus group, harvard reference style and to be printed nicely and filed up. But..i am like at 3,341 words, with no referencing done yet, no questionaire done, no focus group..feel like killing myself. I had wanted to give up on this disseration earlier, but oh well i listen to what my bf said, since droppin this thing will result in droppin of one grade i may as well just hand in whatever.

This whatever however shouldn't be that bad isn't it, though i am prepared to get zero - 10 marks for this piece of junk, but the process is really unmotivating. I hate it that the information, the journals i have downloaded, they just don't make much sense to me now, and how am i suppose to write another 7,000 words when i have zero in my head. Feel so useless...im useless at work, useless at studies,useless at home,( i have piles of laundry that has been left unattended too you know, i have never complained. ) useless at exercising, useless at dressing up, useless at saving up,useless at having close friends, useless at even seeking God. Hur hur hur...I wish to help my bf out by arranging flat viewing for him, but the dissertation just seems to scream for my attention, but i....haiz....another pimple popping...

My 'Puppy' Love

Read some gal's emotional blog and its making me feel emotional too, i guess its dat time of the month again coz i am startin to feel emotional.

I read about Gal C, whom confess of her past frivolous ways,the puppy or shld i say puppies love she had. it reminds me of my own past and of so many other people who shared the same past. Among the puppies love, how many were puppies and how many were true love that we have missed.

Approximately 1 mth back, by chance i met up with friends of his for a mahjong session. After a few regular teasing remarks, suddenly someone said, 'Aiya its juz puppy love' tis remark struck my heart deeply, and the hurt somehow remain etched in heart the whole nite. Numerous time i have been asked, y? y did i still seem to have feelings for him. After readin emo gal's blog, i think i have my answer. hur-hur...

Quote:
Infuactuation don't so when u realised u haven't 4get tt men/women even though u 2 broke up yrs ago. That's LOVE.
Its been 7 years, but everything feels like yesterday...

9 years ago, I start my day fresh, looking forward to sch, leave the hse at 5.55am. I would reach the sch by 6.15a.m, at tis timing, no one will be around except te cleaners. Resting my head on the table, i close my eyes but perk my ears waiting for the familiar engine sound of a taxi. Occasionally, i would step onto the high stool in front of the general office, entering into Singnet website, using their free online sms service(tis service is no longer avail) to send my sweetest sms to him. giving him yet one more thing to look forward to when he reaches homeKnowing that he wld only get to read it when he reach home in the evening,unless he isn't out of the hse yet, which i doubt. 6.30a.m. he's here, i look adoringly at him as he strides in with big steps and huge smile. My favourite smile, his dimples would jump excitedly, not 1 but 3 dimples. With his small beady eyes, chiselled face, dark tan skin, slim cut and tight perky butt(tee..hee), he never failed to charm me, his smile is always enough top resolve any unhappiness. I am the happiest gal in the world world, without the need to read crystal ball, i already knew i will have a happy, blissful marriage, with 3 energetic and active kids.

We would start our daily chit chat sitting at the benches near the general office,our heart to heart moments, time would never seem enough in those days, and the bell always seem to ring so fast. He would jump up fast when the bell rings, dashin into the general office for the microphone and the stand, and me, i will sit by the side and look at him proudly, admiring him at his every move.

I love chairman(aka monitor) meetings, both of us are chairman and chairwomen of our respective classes, and these meetings just give us more chance to steal glances at each other. Even our chinese teacher seem to agree with our relationship, once in a while they would remind me to help him out more with his chinese language homework.

Im a dancer, and he is a AVA crew, the best match. I look forward to dancing on stage, as i know he would be behind the curtains or in the sound room, looking at me in pride.

We would meet up everyday after sch, go out on saturday, and for when i stay home on sunday to accompany my father, he wld surprise me by riding his mountain bike all the way from pasir ris to underneath my block. I would happily went downstairs and spend one two hours talkin to him, and when i really can't leave the hse, i wld call him on his mobile, lookin down at him front the kitchen window,even if it means we can only see each other from a distance, to both of us, we are contended.

At night, we would chat till the wee hours, and most of the time chat till 2a.m, and both of us will listen to the smurfs good night lullaby comin out from the radio station 93.3. I wld always try to force him to sing it to me but he is always too shy to do that. I wld never forget the song,

The smurfs goodnight lullaby
try to sleep now, close ur eyes, soon the birds will start singing, twinkling stars, are shining bright, they'll be watching you all night, one more hug, one more smile, kiss you once, kiss you twice....

After a full year together, the urge to go deeper into our relationship starts gettin to me. We have never even hold hand before, no kiss, no hug and this has always resulted in never-ending teasing from his friends and mine. We love each other no doubt, but his shyness is startin to get in the way. I notice a solemn expression on his face, and every once in a while he would seem to be pondering over some serious matters. I begin to feel upset when he does not reveal to me what is on his mind. Fear overcomes me, as i thought he is probably losing interest in me, at that point i can't imagine a day without him.

After my endless persuasion, he finally promise to let me in on what is on his mind, he would page me he says. That night, i waited eagerly, as the time ticks by, i grew more anxious, not being able to wait any further i called him and threaten to be really angry at him if he does not page me immediately. I gotten the page in the end, the words looks so small on my small orange alpha numeric pager but the meaning seems so big it looks like its gonna jump out. My heart start thumpin very fast, a big grin start appearin on my face.
' CAN I HOLD UR HAND?'
A simple sentence, but it means the world to me. Our first kiss came in the same form of surprise. After a day out celebratin Valentine's Day, i begin to start worryin about our 'progress', a year for us to hold hand, than how long before he wld pop the qns of kissin mi!

Well i put an end to that qns myself. When he sent me to the lift, i did a simple distraction, and with dat, i planted a light kiss on his cheek, immed i turn ard and head into the lift, pressin on the 'close' button furiously, but not before i steal a glace at him, his face blushed and the happy grin. I dashed home, unable to contain my own embarrasement, i run into my room, and start screamin and jumpin on my bed, jumpin for joy. A kiss as never seem so special, so magical.

Quote
The only bad thing is baby is bad at words. No sweet good night msgs, no "i miss you" msgs. No romantic dating and no phone chit chatting.
I don't think i will ever understand y he is treating Emo gal C this way now, hope he will wake up and stop hurtin the people ard him,.. but deep down im just glad as what pearly said, i manage to caught him at the best moment of his life.

I have found the guy that you asked me to, the guy that treats me well the way you did, the guy that is willing to spend all his days and hours with me, but have you found yours? If u have, y are u nt treasuring it?

Birthday celebration

Didn't went home AGAIN last nite, just feel like being with my baby, feel so much more happpier.Celebrated a close friend's birthday at Cluny court just now with my Baby,so glad he is willing to sacrifice his studying time for mi. The celebration is a small affair with a small bundle of people, is it just me or is our group dwindling in size. Perhaps im thinkin too much...or i simply love big group, hahaha

There are so many nice restaurants in Singapore, whenever i walk past one i will always think to myself, when V-day come, muz come here, when bday comes, muz come here, but the thing is, when those days really come, the only place i can think of is always Tampines Mall. haiz....

Kinda feel bored and lonely easily nowadays, but whenever im out, i can't help but feel irresponsible on the inside. My disseratation still lies inside my PC, almost untouched. But due for submission in less than 2 months time. I know i will be killing myself soon but...i feel like giving up on this dissertation...Not that i will not submit it at all, but i jus can't bring myself to focus on delivering a good piece of work.

Feeling redundant at work day after day, self-motivating myself everyday. Frankly speaking i hate myself for being an emotionally strong person, i wish i can just be a weak little gal, than at least i can be pathetic and be in denial of my future.

Who can i look to? God? Will be trying harder to go towards that direction but it gets hard when the environment is just not as conducive as u hope it is. Envy ppl ard me all the time, i assume they are all happy christian in happy cell group, well i am happy too, at least i am still pretending to be. Not sure when i can and will stop pretending, but from the way things goes,its not going to be soon. Feel like screaming, feel like tearing myself apart but my sanity always put mi down.

Split personality is not even enough to describe mi, hahaha...i am proud, lover-obsessed, introvert, extrovert, fillial, not so fillial, image conscious, not so image conscious, sexy, or at least trying to be, cute, act cute, friendly, not so friendly. Sometimes im confused myself. I only know 1 thing, i am positive to only people who are positive to me. Sounds normal, but not so when i perceive 85% of the people ard me as being negative to me.

God, i have never given up in you but have you?

Laneige Water Bank Series

My Laneige skincare products is here from Korea, feel so happy. It came at a super good deal too, $50 for a set,Water bank essence, Power Skin Refiner, Water Bank cream 1 and Balancing emulsion 1 and its of the correct skin type for my skin too, Oooo...It gets so hard to find skincare for combination dry skin like mine. So im really happy when the website state that all these are suitable for Asian skin with combi/dry condition.I have already used it in my office just now but i can't wait to continue using it, i hope my skin will became radiant and hydrated. I simply love good skin.

May feelings

Its been so long since i came here.

Everyone has started bloggin since a long time ago and i am forever at the startin phrase. Perhaps its because i knew no one comes here...anymore...i didn't even knw if much even knws the existence of this place...but nevertheless this site is free and ive always likes free stuff. Haha cheapo.

Time flies, ive finally became a confirmed staff. Finally found a company that i like, a company where i have really good colleagues to hang out with, whom have the same liking towards dramas, movies, tv stars. Its a great feeling, God has not forgotten mi.

The weather is gettin extremely hot these days, and with the lousy aircon in my office, its makin my body temperature rise. But hey i just gotten a mini fan. Really look forward to seein its effectiveness later.

Finally manage to get my boyfriend to buy CJ7 for mi, an original one some more. It looks real cute, with large black eyes and fluffy fur. If only i can have a dog, a real dog. Used to can't wait for myself to get married, to be able to own a dog. But i really dunno if i could afford the time and the energy. Just playin with friend's kids for 15mins is killin mi already, i can't imagine facin a hyperactive puppy.

Still contemplating betwen buyin that laneige water bank essence, biotherm non-stop essence or face shop icy flower essence. All of them contains shea butter and is said to be ultra hydrating. Really need to make up my mind fast, i can't stand havin look in the mirror and have a dry haggard lookin face lookin back at mi anymore. OOhh i really miss my youth days. My skin was so full of life, make up just glide on so easily.

Can't wait for my the schoolin stuff to end, for the debts to be paid, to be able to start full steam in savin up, to start proper planning for my future.

My favourite story

Sharing my all-time favourite story. Find the girl stupid, pity the guy. But think again the guy is stupidto fall for such a gal. To some they may say love is blind, but to me, the love in this particular storey seems rather empty as its one-sided from the very beginnin.

摘型
BY 吳若權
畢業之前，她還是沒有答應何昀漢的追求。同窗四年，他們之間只有淡淡的友誼，以及他對她濃濃的單戀。

這四年來，無論他對她做了多少一般女孩子會感動到流出浪漫眼淚的事，付出多少真心，她始終無動於衷。約過的會、說過的話、給過的承諾，對她而言，都是那麼單薄而沒有意義。

他連她的手都沒有拉過，卻已經覺得一顆真心在她面前生生死死過幾百回。

單戀沒有成功，算不算失戀呢？不算吧！連戀愛都沒有正式展開，怎麼能算失戀呢？他安慰自己。

出國留學時，他仍堅持把厚厚的畢業紀念冊裝進行李箱，為的是每天能看到她的照片，照片下方有她的名字『鄭心雲』三個字、最愛的卡通Snoopy圖案，以及她親筆題的人生座右銘：『伸手摘星，未必如願，但不會弄髒你的手。』

遠赴倫敦深造工業設計，他成為一個寂寞的留學生，課後唯一的休閒活動是看天空的雲。初到倫敦，還不太適應陰沉的天氣，倒是變化多端的雲，解了他的鄉愁。倫敦天空的雲，就像他念念不忘的故鄉的『雲』。

原來，心中藏著一個人，可以天涯海角帶著她走。

後來從同班同學阿方那裡輾轉知道，他的『雲』，並沒有留在故鄉。鄭心雲申請到澳洲的學校，也出國唸書去了，改行唸資訊管理。收到這個消息的時候，他沒有埋怨她的不辭而別，彷彿他早已習慣這一切。在她的心目中，他從來不是什麼必須有所交代的人物。

他從來沒有恨過她，所以才能隨時隨地開始重新愛她。

e-mail發出幾天，不指望有所回應的他，竟然很意外地收到她的回信。短短幾行字，道出留學生的辛酸。
我發覺自己的適應力很差，
幾個月了，還是天天想回家，
但想到花了那麼多錢，半途而廢實在對不起我的單親媽媽……
這麼多年來，他第一次覺得她把他當作朋友。一個最一般的朋友，無須處處提防著他。是因為人在異鄉抵抗力變得比較差，還是她刻意降低他追求她的門檻？他心中十分了然。但是，強烈的必須愛她的慾望，已經讓他暫時忘記君子和小人的差別。

『趁虛而入，又何妨？』他在心底對自己說，志氣滿滿。

重披戰袍，向愛的路上出發。從每天發出一封e-mail給她，到每晚打電話安慰她，一切的進度都稱得上十分順利。為了支付龐大的越洋電話費，他甚至瞞著指導教授偷偷地非法打了兩個零工。

那年，接近聖誕節之前的某個夜裡，每晚在越洋電話中哭個不停的她，終於破涕為笑。

『謝謝你！』她首次向他道謝，『這些日子來，要不是你，我真的不知道該怎麼撐下去。』善於等待的男人，不會輕易錯過這個時機，『其實，我一直都是這樣用心對妳。我相信，妳一定知道吧！』

『我……』她停頓了幾秒，『我只是害怕、恐懼……』

他明白她的想法，e-mail往返中，她多次提及幼年不愉快的成長經驗，讓她對於幸福的擔心多於期待。

『給我一次機會，讓我向妳證明，幸福沒有那麼困難，好嗎？』

她知道自己逃不過了，『好吧！讓我們試試看。』

掛上電話，他在下雪的街上狂奔，不能停止地大喊。

冰天雪地的世界裡，只有他和他初生的愛情還醒著、還活著、還跳躍著。
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學校放了一個星期的聖誕假期，他有兩份研究報告必須在假期中趕完。但是，並沒有打消他的念頭。雖然，還不知道如何同時克服課業和金錢的困難，倫敦往返墨爾本的機票，已經在手上。為了給她十足的驚喜，他從網路上選了一家民宿，正好在她學生公寓的對街。如果，網頁上的地圖畫得夠精確的話，他甚至可以遙遙望見她房間的燈火，即使身處不同的房間，他也能陪著她睡去、陪著她醒來。

從畫面上看來，夢想與現實的距離，並不像飛機的航程那般遙遠。七四七載滿他對愛的信仰與期盼，飛抵她隻身求學的地方。但是，從現實生活中來判斷，兩顆心的距離，並不一定會因為形體的接近或分開而有所改變。

黃昏的時候，他住進民宿。隔著一條街，他望見她的宿舍。斜斜的視線，穿過街道，落在她的窗台前，Snoopy的吊飾，讓他更加肯定，心愛的人就住在裡面。然而，疲倦的身體和雀躍的心，卻無法將屋內的溫暖喚醒。

她的房間裡，一直沒有燈光。電話，無人接聽。

午夜，他一邊在筆記型電腦前趕作業，一邊留意著她的窗台。時差，只是令他無眠的一個理由而已。另一個讓他睡不著的理由，是興奮、也是擔心——

她，究竟去了哪裡？熬到清晨，他將電腦關機，她的門窗依然緊閉。

房東太太準備了簡單的早餐，吐司麵包、咖啡、牛奶、水煮蛋。毫無胃口的他，為了打發時間，慢條斯理地吃著食不知味的早餐。拖到十點，才去她的學生公寓叫門。

按電鈴的時候，他還天真地想像出來開門的會是她，誠如他給她驚喜般地，也回贈一個驚喜給他。

可惜，沒有回應。

一切都安靜得讓他害怕。

回到民宿，他幾乎足不出戶，甚至忘了用餐時間。他在筆記型電腦前趕作業的同時，必須分心地留意著她的窗台。因為精神不支而睡在鍵盤上，被筆記型電腦當機的聲音吵醒時，已經是第三天的中午了。

有點神經質的房東太太，已經七十歲了，居然認真地對他說：『我正打算叫救護車。』原先以為自己並不以為意的他，在這句話裡聽到了不為人知的蒼涼，痛哭失聲。

『年輕人，你的眼裡，盡是憂傷。』房東太太的言語，像詩句般，撫慰了他的辛酸。

他向她說明此行的目的，她的眼睛裡泛著淚光。

『為了愛，浪費生命，是年輕人的特權。』她說，『可惜，青春和愛情，都是天底下最容易消逝的東西。』

她與學生宿舍的房東熟識，答應幫他打聽鄭心雲的去處。對方回覆得很簡單——和同學度假去了，聖誕節當天才會回來。

『起碼，你可以跟她歡度聖誕夜。』房東太太的建議，成為他唯一的希望。
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聖誕節的白天特別冗長，何昀漢多麼盼望鄭心雲能夠提前回來，哪怕只有提前一個小時也好。

每條街上飄揚著聖誕的音樂；每棵樹上閃耀著愉快的燈光；每顆心上填滿著有情人的盼望。

只有，他，依然落單。

隨著時間一分一秒逼近，他的希望一點一滴幻滅。她不但沒有提前回來，也沒有準時回來。窗台前的影像依然幽暗，宣告著她甚至可能不會回來的預感。

該感謝她嗎？兩份報告已經趕完了。

沒有愛的人生，幸虧有學校的功課填滿。而沒有愛、也不必趕功課的聖誕夜晚，竟如此漫長。
天快亮的時候，守在窗台上的何昀漢，終於看見一輛車從遠而近駛來，停在學生宿舍門口，幾位同學嘩啦啦地下車，七嘴八舌之間流露著聖誕節慶的餘歡。

他清楚看見最後一個下車的鄭心雲，一片等待的辛酸和一股浪漫的溫暖，同時化成兩行熱淚，湧出他的眼眶。模糊中，浮出一個畫面——鄭心雲和充當司機的男伴在街頭吻別。

雖然，她只是在他的額頭上輕輕一喙，卻足以讓他的心在瞬間破碎瓦解。

他用淚眼目送她上樓。守候了幾天，終於看到窗台內的燈光被點燃。幾天前，他以為那盞燈光亮起的時候，就是他們在異國重逢的一刻，他會輕喚她的名字，等待她回眸時驚喜雀躍的眼神。

而此刻，燈光亮起了，他卻只能選擇沉默。

生命不能彩排，愛情也無法重來，必須由兩個人共同演出的劇情，沒有按照他的腳本走。是默契不夠？還是他和她本來就不該同台？他終於知道自己是多餘的，這不是他該來的地方。

在墨爾本待了幾天，夜夜失眠的他，在心碎的夜裡睡得特別沉。哀，莫大於心死。心死了，軀殼也失去了活力。
數不清楚睡了多久，夢中有人不斷敲打他。寤寐之間，他意識到是自己的拳頭。等到七分清醒，又聽到敲門的聲音。再睜開眼時，鄭心雲已經站在她的眼前。

一份他自己預期中的驚喜，變成兩份意外的尷尬。

『房東說，有朋友來找我，而且等了幾天了，我想到可能是你。』她猜中了。

謎底對他而言，已經沒有意義。

『臨時決定的。學校突然宣佈放假，我沒地方去，正巧看到機票打折的廣告，我想來觀光，順便看妳。』他說謊，不是為了自己的面子，而是不想讓她有太多心理負擔。

她主動說要陪他半天，市區觀光。他卻偷偷改了返程的時間，決定提早飛回倫敦，當天晚上的班機。

『既然來不及市區觀光，至少讓我送你去機場。』半天市區觀光，濃縮成機場送行。她，也鬆了一口氣。

劃好座位，他要進關了，忍不住問：『他，對你好不好？』『你，看到了！』她早該想到的，聖誕夜臨別一吻，盡收他的眼底。『也許你不相信，這兩天才熟的。北京來的，算是學長。』

『他什麼地方吸引妳？』

『他說，要摘星星給我。』她紅了眼眶，『他對我很好。我知道，你也對我很好。但是，我不能只是愛上你們的好。男人對我愈好，我就愈想逃。我連自己都搞不清楚，為什麼老是覺得能夠給我幸福的男人，都不可靠？』

認識這麼多年，她第一次伏在他肩上哭。他，也跟著哭。她，為自己虛無的幸福感而哭。他，為了幫不上她的忙而哭。

『放心去愛！好好愛他，我祝福你們！別想那麼多，人生嘛！就是這樣，當下快樂最重要。』

轉身離去的他，從此沒有回頭。寧願把淚落在她看不見的愛情盡頭，也不要她在記憶中殘留他的軟弱。

帶著答案，儘管是心碎的答案，飛向夜的星空，他又回到孤獨的旅程。失去，也是一種篤定。就算擁有的時光，是那麼短暫；能夠無怨無悔地為一個人付出，就是幸福。

他以為：這就是愛的覺悟，千山萬水終不悔。
* * * * * * * * * ** * * * * * * * * ** * * * * *
這年，倫敦的春天來得遲。

若不是幾位中國同學的提醒，每天把自己埋在圖書館的昀漢，很難察覺農曆年過了，元宵節也隨著日曆翻飛。

無牽無掛的日子，是他人生的新體驗，這麼許多年以來，他的心裡一直有一朵雲，自從她飄走了，他的心和生命，都空了。

沒有愛情以後，他只能專心唸書。省下越洋電話的費用，打工掙來的錢，正轉移到另一個值得投資的目標，不是女孩，而是一套精密的電腦繪圖儀器。有計劃繼續深造博士學位的他，在指導教授的建議之下，決定添購一套設備，不必每天在研究室和同學排隊搶機器。愚人節當天，他的電腦裡出現一封署名為『鄭心雲』的e-mail，主旨是『還是你的心最真！』起初，他以為這只是愚人節的玩笑。打開電子郵件信箱，他才確定並非惡作劇。畢竟，愛情已經開過他太多玩笑了，希望愛神這次會放過他。
說來不怕你見笑，我失戀了！
是對方主動提的，不過這次角色互換，
他嫌我對他太好。
也許是我不夠成熟，還不懂得如何拿捏分寸，
對他付出太多，成為他的壓力。
他的無情，讓我想到當初對你的不義，
上天很公平，給我的報應很快。
我愈來愈不知道，承諾的意義，
一個答應為我摘星的男人，最後還是輕易離開我。
難怪，我媽說，男人真的不可靠！
你，例外嗎？
天啊！他不知道該感謝、還是抱怨。愛神，沒有放棄他。又是一次趁人之危、趁虛而入嗎？他無暇多做思考。天下有什麼事，會比失而復得的感情更值得珍惜、更需要把握？

他又開始寫e-mail給她；等到時機成熟以後，也開始打電話。遠距離的愛情，對他而言，從來不是問題。對他而言，只要妳知道：我愛妳！這就夠了，夠了。

學期結束前夕，當他正在計算著回台北的機票錢，以及購買繪圖儀器的預算時，無意間看到一則分類廣告，標題是——

【摘一顆星，送給心愛的人】

一家民間機構和天文科學單位合作，義賣隕石，所得將捐給愛滋病防治中心。每一個禮盒的代價很高，折合美金大約一萬元。他們會替買主刻上情人的名字，一句祝福的話，並做好防止輻射的處理，讓愛永恆。

考慮了幾天，他決定暫緩購買繪圖儀器，取消暑假回台北的行程，將省下來的錢，為她摘一顆星。除了刻上她的名字，同時也將她最喜歡的座右銘『伸手摘星，未必如願，但不會弄髒你的手。』一起刻在上面。

為了製造驚喜的效果，當然必須瞞著她。

毫不知情的她，為了他不能依約回到台北相聚，而發了好大的脾氣，久久不能釋懷。

忍著滿腹委屈的他，拐彎抹角地在電話中向她提議：『妳沒到倫敦，要不要趁著暑假順道過來，我帶妳四處去玩玩。』

『順道？你有沒有搞錯？從墨爾本回台北，再到倫敦，很順喔？』她氣急敗壞地挖苦他。

他無言。心中無奈地默默低語：『等妳收到這顆星星，就知道怎麼一回事了！』

天不從人願的是，她也取消了回台北的行程，再度不告而別，跟一群朋友到南非旅行。

整個暑假，她都沒有收到這份禮物。驚喜和感動，也有保存期限的啊！過期以後，一切都變了調、也走了味。

舊事重演，戲碼如常。南非旅行途中，她又和同行的男性朋友過從甚密，把遠在倫敦的他，忘得一乾二淨。

開學前，她在電話中向他告白：『是我對不起你。』

他想起墨爾本的聖誕夜。一直努力追求屬於自己的幸福，卻仍逃不開失去她的注定。如果說愛情的蒼涼是一種宿命，也許他會比較自在。

多麼希望那盒寄送星星的包裹遺失在某一架飛機的貨艙裡，他已經不想、也不能再面對驚喜變成尷尬的人生。
* * * * * * * * * ** * * * * * * * * ** * * * * *
鄭心雲收到那盒禮物，已經是一年以後的事了。學成歸國的她，在一家美商公司上班，忙得連約會的時間都沒有。經過母親安排的相親，即將嫁給一位在科學園區工作的電子新貴。

準備出閣的前幾天，正在收拾家中細軟，母親突然想到她人在國外時，曾替她簽收了這份國際快遞包裹，初看之下以為是一顆普通的石頭，完全不能意會它曾經屬於天上一顆星星的一部分。
讀完禮盒中的證書及說明文件，她望著那顆星星，很久、很久說不出話來。

一個女人，在一生中能夠被一個男人深深愛過，是一種怎樣的幸福呢？

或者說，一個女人，在一生中錯過一個深深愛她的男人，是一種怎樣的遺憾？

就要披上嫁衣的她，體會過這種幸福，也明瞭了這份遺憾。『伸手摘星，未必如願，但不會弄髒你的手。』此刻的她，終於明白：他才是世界上最亮的一顆星。

很多愛情，都需要一雙慧眼，才能看出它如星星般閃耀的光芒。否則，在不懂珍惜的人眼底，都只是一顆普通的石頭。

遠在倫敦的昀漢，好長的一段時間，不敢看雲，也不看星星。

世間上，最美好的愛戀，是為一個人付出時的勇敢。

即使因此被傷得體無完膚，也無悔無怨。

關於『剎那即永恆』的傳說，也許每個人都聽得太多遍。

只有自己經歷過了，才知道——

愛情裡所謂的『永遠』，竟是無言。

~End~

Happy Deepavali!!

Haiz.. What an unlucky day, meant to go library do some good read up and preparation for my individual assignment, but the national library is closed. I dun understand my own goonduness sometimes, i have been goin to national libarary for so many years and yet i actually forgotten that they are usually close on public holidays. Wasted trip down. Luckily i have my lover with me, or its gonna be so super boring for me.

Had a good dinner with his mum and sis, enjoyed the session as i think i slowly discover the cuteness in his mum. Though my mum antics is cuter but i would say they have their own personality.

Really look forward to his new bike to arrive soon, coz he seems so sad these few days.

CHC Arise & Build

Its CHC Arise & Build Time!! The feeling is like never before, realli glad that this time round i have R being by my side, its a real good feelin to have your loved ones undestand what you are doing and better still, doing it together with you. Though i can foresee that it will be a pretty tough financial period for both of us, im glad we can have a chance to go through 'thick & thin' together.

Poor Bikee

Haiz....what an unlucky day, Robert's bike finally took its last breath while we are at the highway along Bedok Reservoir. understand that the bike was previously at a critical stage of illness, was often seen spluttering white smoke, its 'heartbeat' seems weak since 1 mth back. Really sad to see it go, Robert was devastated man, lose two of them to the same illness within a year. They were both diagnosed with 'engine overheated, burn-out'

We push the bike's body slowly to a safe place, i guess u can call it accompany it on its final journey. We patted the bike, say our prayers and left the sad scene and took a cab back. The atmosphere was really solemn that night, both of us tired and worn-out.

Good Bye!!!

New Light

Started my new job recently, yeah once again im not the only newcomer, really glad abt that. It really helps a lot when u know that u hve someone else to be a newbie together with u. Cindy is a realli nice person, i can just feel from her aura, hahaha. There's no Watson here, haiz...realli feel mouth itchy sometimes. Though i bought some small snacks from Watson on my way back home, but i jus keep feeling that its not enough.

Well Well, i had too many snacks and too little drinks,consequence... i had a terrible terrible sore thoroat, it came with the usual value pack. Sore Throat + Cold/Flu + Cough + Ugly green phlegm. Yucksss. Compensating my body with lotsa H2O seems too late now. I am finishin the doc's full course of medicine soon, but i dun seem to see myself recoverin a teeny bit. So suay. Cindy even more suay, kena dengue fever, whew...luckily its not me, thank God.

My Sucess My Future

I receive the call!! I receive the call!! The girl from Ginvera called and said i was shortlist for a second interview, doesn't everyone knows that a second interview simply means you r in!!! Omigod!!! She even ask mi if i have settle my other job offers. I told her i am gonna settle them real soon. Omigod Brand executive, it sounds so cool. Taking charge of Taiwan market, Omigod!!!

Now im really lost man, i really have no idea how to put this across to Carol. How to you say to someone, 'Hi i know i work for like 3 days but i gotta leave this job, thanks bye' it sounds easy but anyone will know when it comes to your own self to actual doing it. Its real hard man. Whew...wish mi luck man. Its a tough decision deep down, i had really look forward to having a good career set in Studio Wu when i went for my interview, but when im here, things just dun seem the way i have hoped it would be. It takes a....um..how to say..an independant person to work here. Task are somehow self-created, it sounds good to some ppl i know, but im not some ppl.

The Interview

Went for the Interview at Ginvera today, ooohh feel so excited, excited at being shortlist and excited at having a chance for another job. Studio Wu is a great place but it may not be the perfect place for mi to carve a good career path right now. My vision right now is to have a good job and since im equipping myself with a degree right now i really hope to land myself in another one of those big FMCG firms or even Luxury brand firms one day.

The interview went well, chances of getting a pass in this is quite high, but i really do not dare to pin high hopes now, luck has not been on my side for the past few months. Really hope God can give mi a good deal.At Studio Wu, i can't attend my cell group anymore, on one end it isn't really a bad thing but on the other i feel like im a cheater. When i was in Amore Fitness, i pray for a job that will allow mi to go for services regularly and to cell groups and indeed i gotten an office job that let mi off at 5pm sharply. But now at Studio Wu, i need to work till 9pm and perhaps on Sundays too. I really appreciate them letting mi go off early on days when im having my p/time classes. But....the lure of getting a truly job is high. And i know that my guy loves to have an office lady as a gf.

Well i just have to see how things goes.

Love is Real

Mentality of Humans confuse me sometimes. As i breeze through various friendster sites, as i see various movies, TV shows, it appears to me so strongly that we live in a world full of emotions. Expressed emotions. I remember the C.K fragrance ad, TOUCH. I see aged couples hugging, couples kissing, a happy mum touching her baby. We live in a world that is full of love, happiness unfortunately of course there is hate and anger too.

For me, i look at myself as someone who expresses herself freely, to my loved ones, i pamper them, i hug them i showcase my love to the world i hold them affectionately when in public.

I have heard from people, a mature person doesn't need to publicize their love, to showcase their love, to display pictures of you being with your boyfriend is considered to be disgusting or perhaps childhish. To me it doesn't matter, we do not even know if tomorrow ever comes, i may live today and die tomorrow in an accident. Choi u may say, touchwood. But u can't deny its the truth. Thats y i live my everyday at its best, i do not wait or even hesitate to tell my loved ones how much i love them. People who keep thinking about their self-image, their self-proclaimed maturity, self-restrained towards their love life ultimately are the losers in their own relationship.

New Day New Job

Gonna start my first day at StudioWu, i know i should be feeling excited, enthusiatic and full of drive. But thinking about how i nearly lose an opportunity make me feel low going for my first day work. Well well well, i guess i just have to take things as it goes. Im going for my first day today and yet im going for another interview tomorrow hahaha....but i really hope i can get into that FMCG company tomorrow as it will be really what i ask from God.

YucKs Sickness sinks in

Finally recover from my long sickness, i couldn't believe how i could have survived without Bert by my side. I started vomitting and having diarrhoea since Wednesday, and its hard to get morsel of food into my body. I never felt so hungry before, i was eager to have food but my body kept dispelling everything out. But it does felt good to have Bert feeding me by the spoon like im a baby. Hmmm...i think im getting too used to it le, it makes me feel tired to feed myself now. : )

IM SO HAPPY to weigh myself now, i stepped onto the bathroom scale confidently and ta-da i got my satisfying results right before my eyes, a good 4-5kg loss. Hahahahaha it makes all the suffering these few days so damn worth it. Hahaha

Deep in my heart I cry for you

Every tear that falls feels like a wound

the stars in the skies gently shines

Taking away my pain

And even though I do not have the strength to go on

Even though I try to hold on

This love will never ever be meant for me

But I’ll keep on smiling…

Even though my dreams wont come true

I’ll remember every moment with you

Like the stars that shine forever

I’ll treasure my love

For you

Memories are best when they stay deep in your heart, they are something that no one can steal from you, something that will never expire, something that will only fade but will still be there. Will i still be in your memory after 1 year? 5 Years? 10 years?

There is never a day i have to remember you cause there is never a day i have forgotten you

Never forgotten was our first meet-up at Bugis. Your charming face blows me off my feet, but my pride tells me to remain calm in case you are nothing but a player, a flirt. To be oblivious to your appearance, your body and your scent. Me dressed in a worn-out black tee, and a simply not flattering black pants. Our first supper destination;Mount Faber. 'How interesting' i was thinking in my heart. its like the top destination under the listing of '100 ways to hook a girl' Deep down i was delighted but i held myself up, not allowing myself to show any bit of happiness. I keep my distance while sitting in his bike, not allowing any single inch of my body to touch his, again its a woman's pride thingy. 'Its just a date' i keep telling myself.
We had a great time talking to each other, the fact that he didn't order any alcohol and he didn't light up a single cigarette. It just adds points. 'Its just a date' i repeatedly tell myself. At the end of the day when i reach home, my face show a frowning look as i stare at my reflection in the mirror.'Is he gonna still sms me tml, was whatever i said sounds logical or humourous to him, Was he turn off with my super sloppy dressing??' it was a sleepless night.
After one week of sms and phone call, we went out for a movie, a morning session, on a valentine Day morning. Its was a Korean movie 'Seasons of Love' Depicting four different relationships, but all has a sad ending. I was scolding myself at the end of the show for choosing such show on a Valentine Day outing. We went for a lunch at a restaurant at Cineleisure, i remember myself feeling very much flattered when i caught his eyes on my bare shoulders, he was definately checking me out. Hahaha. Im just very wicked sometimes. I tease him about it and he simply blush and became slightly flustered and shy. I proudly gave him the Valentine present i had prepared for him, but he was even more flustered as he hadn't thought i would prepare anything as i wasn't his girlfriend yet. 'One point deducted' i was thinking. But seeing him being so flustered, how can i bear to place any blame on him. On the second day(or was it the third?), he offered to sent me home after work. I was given a very pleasant surprise when he give me his 'belated' Valentine Day present,he was very affected by the fact that i had prepared something and he didn't. It was a nicely wrapped up box with a card that says something along the line of 'Hope this dog can keep me company' As i have a jack russel dog that ran away sometime ago, its so sweet of him to buy something to replace. But i was puzzled, when i opened the box at home. Out came a coin bank in the shape of a bear. My mum walk by and say' What a nice Snoopy dog' And i answered her 'Are you kiddin me, this is a bear isn't it?' But she insist its a bear. Chatting with R on the phone that night, he said he bought a dog coin bank, but i replied him it really looks like a bear, but he insist to him it looks like a dog. Oh well, after a few weeks, everything was out, the sales girl had taken the wrong coin bank. R had selected the dog coin bank, but a bear coin bank when under the wrapper instead. Its was still a wonderful memory.....
our subsequent movies...his fingers would quietly go to my palms, and he would tickle the heart of my palm. It infuriate me at first, as i treat that action as he is trying to flirt and is initiating some sexual motions. But i later realise this naive fellow doesn't have any idea about how rude that action is. I guess im just a too sensitive person. He folded his arms while watching movie, but his fingers would run gently from the side of his body over to my upper arms, tapping at it playfully. That was our beginning, the mark of a beautiful story, my beautiful story, that will unfold throughout the months.

Voyage

We travel this road to find happiness.
Everyone is a traveler, carrying his own never-healing wounds.
See? You look good with a smile on your face.
How many times have I gotten lost?
Every time, the one who extended hiswarm helping hand was you.
At the end of this long path, what will we think?
Everyone is a traveler, wandering about in search of love.
Let's go together until we tire of it.
What I wanted to be?
Not a princess.
What I wanted to have?
Not glass slippers.
What I wanted to be?
I wanted to be with you.
What I wanted to have?
Was your smiling face.

Because of you

We have come to know each other little by little
But suddenly I find I know nothing about you
Please tell me what you feel by the time I understand it
You can even shout
My love grew when we couldn't meet
My heart ached because my voice didn't reach you
I found I couldn't go back to the times
When I had not known you
Please don't smile with such sorrowful eyes
As if you were about to be broken and disappear
What can I do, my dear?