Hahaha i so so despise myself sometimes, for having no pride, no self-confidence & lack of self-control. A wonderful sentence,'Tears are a women's weapon' but what people often forgets(incl mi) is that when facing the opposite sex, they hate to be confronted with weapons.
But what should a women do when her 'weapon' is powerless, when she sees the world as a lonely 3 dimensional space, slowly she dun sees the reason to smile, nothin much is interestin enough to keep her smile up. Many times she tried to cheer people around her up, lame jokes, crappy jokes, lending a listening ear now & then, giving an understanding smile when things disappoint her in life. Sometimes it tires her out, it brings her deep in thought as to could the key lies in herself. Maybe she expects too much from her life, but lookin at people around her. She saw the reality of life too, with people putting on a fake front everyday. ...Hahaha
People seek solace in religion, in God when they are in distress, but me...hee..as ive mention in previous blog..ive already drawn further & further away...i still love God but its so hard to draw near to him. I self-guide myself right from the start, i move my way inch by inch towards God with my own will & heart. Now im lost, tired..its like a desert. The oasis seems so near, i can imagine its clear pretty blue water, the fresh air but the walk alone is so...alone... Bible study...hahaha....I used to feel full of fire, so eager to know all abt him, so eager to enrol & i spent more time with my cell group more than with any other friends. But after 2 years i realise than my spiritual life seems no different than what i was 2 years ago. I lack the determination, this i blame no one. But why is it that juz because to others i seem independent therefore no one bother about my spiritual growth. With R, its no different. I need a leader, a strong one. My sister was my spiritual pillar of support, telling me wonderful testimonials of God now & then, but even she now spends more time with others than with me. Its time to escape..to close my eyes to close my thoughts...maybe to be emotionally shutdown is not that bad an idea. Well...knowing my character this form of shutdown shouldn't last long, but sometimes juz like a computer, even human need to shutdown & restart .
1 comment:
ailing.
though i may not mean anything to you now. but the last thing i would want to see, is you, not being happy.
as much as i would want to make you the cheerful person when i first know you, it is now only through GOD, cos he will answer my prayers.
sincerely.
me.
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